Saturday, May 31, 2008

What was I thinking?

When I agreed to let Raz take Josh to Melbourne with him, I know it was done to ease my load but I didn't realise how hard it has been on us all. Nathan is missing his brother, I am missing my baby and Josh has been misbehaving badly.
I certainly don't want Raz to feel bad as he is doing his very best to provide for our family and moving to Melbourne is all that I really want but we both kinda went into this thinking our house would get snapped up as quickly as we bought it just over a year ago.
Initially Raz wasn't going to apply for any jobs and we just bide our time until the house was sold and then find a job down there but this job just fell into his lap and he couldn't say no.
Admittedly I am enjoying having the house to myself during the day while Nate is at school but I think the boredom factor and no playmates after school and on weekends has driven to throw some really childish tantrums that I thought he was passed. I know the separation from his dad has been hard, Raz and Nate have always been close and I really miss the joking camaraderie between them at night.
Tonight Josh has deliberately headbutted Raz very painfully and I am just wondering if this behaviour is his way of expressing himself as to the situation. He didn't even want to talk to me on the phone tonight I feel like I am losing my connection with him and it is painful.
I also know that trying to keep the house clean and presentable with Josh here is going to be a full time job. Not to mention trying to pack up a house with Josh underfoot is going to be difficult but I'd rather have him here in a steady routine. I think him seeing this whole process may help him to understand more what is happening. As far as he is concerned he is down there without his mum having a holiday.
He spent 2 days at my sisters this week and my sister had to bribe him to go back inside Nonna's house - he just didn't want to go. I know they love him to bits but they just don't 'get' him. My sister told me of the day she went to collect him for his sleepover, he was having his afternoon sleep and Nonna went in to wake him up but he was in his face shouting "Wake up, Jeshua" (that's how they pronounce it) with his very very sour halitosis I would wake up shitty too.
I have left it with Raz to keep an eye on it this week but if he doesnt' improve then we will find either Raz or my sister to fly him up and back to me asap.
I'm off to find cheap flights.....